I’m 44 and 18/19’s. In other words my birthday is next week. I’m not saying you have to get me anything but I really am the easiest person in the world to shop for. Throw a Nerf Gun, iTunes card, something off the end of a gas station snack aisle (sunflower seeds, pork skins, jerky) at me and I’m pleased as a 4 year old girl at Build-a-Bear.
But with this progressing age I have noticed I have become a symphony of unwanted, unexpected bodily noises.
For example I pulled into a parking spot the other day and turned off the car and caught up on a couple of texts. As I typed, “hahaha! yes!!!” which is basically the only thing I ever text I heard something weird. Wait, you’re wondering why I only text “hahaha! yes!”? Here’s a few examples of what I’m replying to: From Donnie- “Hey, I know we just ate breakfast but are you up for lunch?” From Mom: “Oh Sweetie! I heard you ripped your pants out in the seat at WalMart in the candy aisle. So sorry! You ok?” From Carrie: “Want to walk when we get home tonight?” (my answer is sarcastic in this case.)
Anyway, I as I typed “hahah…” I suddenly found myself in a horror movie. Someone was hiding in my back seat breathing like a German Shepherd wearing a CPAP. I was terrified. Oddest of all as my breathing quickened so did his. Then it hit me. I’m the only idiot in this car. Apparently my nose has begun whistling like a storm on Mount Washington. I don’t want to say it’s bad but I got a letter addressed to my nasal septum the other day from “the City of Chicago” stating it was conceding its moniker of windiest place in America to “the new king.” How does anyone endure being around me? Truthfully, I need a break from me.
Unfortunately my breathing is not the worst part. My stomach is.
There are 80 witnesses to the story I am about to tell you. 80 young souls bore witness to one of the loudest abdominal noises human bowels have ever uttered. We were in chapel at Pleasant View Christian School. C-H-A-P-E-L! Worst of all, I was the one speaking.
I paused for a nanosecond and all of a sudden my stomach let out a growl that would’ve made Mufasa proud. It’s difficult to put into words but I’ll give it a shot. It was kind of like, “moooahooooobbbbahhhhAHHHHHOOOOOMMAA OOOoooo ahoo.” I mean, that’s not too bad the way you just read it but now read it again and hold each letter for 3 SECONDS! Yeah, that’s a little worse. And that’s the way it was. The sad part is, I wasn’t even horrified by it. Shoot, I wasn’t even phased by it. That’s how used to my internal synthesizer I am.
The girl sitting directly in front of me… horrified. Me… a little tickled honestly. I’m not lying about this. Ask one of the people there. My amused eyes locked with eyes the sweet girl with the horrified look on her face and I asked, “Did you hear that?” which is really the dumbest question ever. If you were in the continental United States, YOU heard it. You just probably thought it was a rogue fog horn. Keep in mind, this is during the chapel message. Like, Point #1 Trust God. Point #2 Do Right. Point #3 moooahooooobbbbahhhhAHHHHHOOOOOMMAA OOOoooo ahoo. And this sweet panic stricken girl timidly replied, “Yes, but I was trying to pretend that I didn’t.”
So, I’m already tickled and her terror mixed with shock and embarrassment for me that she managed to convey so succinctly was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, which only exacerbates my stomach issues. Let’s just say there was movement in that chapel but it was not spiritual in nature.
There’s a lesson here (besides avoid me at all costs). Horrifyingly embarrassing things are going to happen to you. It’s coming: a trip in a perfectly flat parking lot, a burp from out of nowhere in front of a table full of clients, a whole head of cabbage stuck in your teeth during a date. Dude, smile it away. Don’t play it off like it didn’t happen. Don’t relive it 447 times. Giggle until it hurts and it will strangely become a fond memory. And if you’re really lucky you can totally horrify a sweet girl in the process.