There is no better way to waste 30 minutes that we could’ve used on something productive than taking goofy internet quizzes. I’ve learned I’m a Hufflepuff, who needs a cocker spaniel, who is a cross between Scary Spice and Baby Spice. (Yeah, I was kinda hoping that “Which Spice Girl Are You?” quiz I took would never come up in conversation.)
All that stuff is a waste of time. I wanted you to have a test with some true value. Thus, feast your eyes on “Which Chick Fil A sauce are you?”
Question #1. You see this
What is your first thought?
- I’d love a glass of orange juice
- I bet that’s juicy.
- Wow! The outside of that looks so zesty!
If you answered “3”, you are “Zesty Buffalo Sauce.” This is the only CFA Sauce I don’t like. Other than being a good Scrabble option, “zesty” is just a terrible word. I don’t want my food described as “zesty.” Cheerleading competitions are zesty. Skinny jeans are zesty. No lie. When I Googled “zesty,” the sentence “Those skinny jeans are zesty,” popped up. Yikes.
I don’t want to overstate this but if you catch yourself standing at a CFA counter ordering chicken minis and you look past the CFA sauce and ask for zesty Buffalo sauce, a trap door should open dropping you into magma to swallow you up like Gollum in Lord of the Rings with you holding a pack of that zesty mess like he held the ring, being slowly swallowed in excruciating death. Perhaps I overstated that. (Sorry, I should’ve warned you about spoilers if you haven’t seen Lord of the Rings. But seriously, why had you not already seen LotR?)
Question #2. You’re on the Price is Right. You win a trip to Hawaii. Drew Carey says “How do you feel about winning this incredible trip?” And he shoves the mic in your face. What do you reply?
- Oh Drew!! How exciting!!
- Drew, before I commit to this can I get a confirmation that there will be one of those pigs roasted with a pineapple in his mouth?
If you answered “3” you are Polynesian sauce. You like the sweeter things in life. You also like the greasier things in life. If you’ve never had Polynesian sauce it’s difficult to describe. Imagine a gummi bear came to life and was full size, but instead of him being a bear, he’s a delicious roasted gummi pig. Now imagine he cut himself shaving. His blood would be Polynesian sauce. I know that description should gross me out, but I am starving for it now.
Question #3. You’re approached by a man in ski mask with a gun. He says “Give me your money.” Do you…
- Give him your billfold
- Give him your billfold and mention your car is also full of gas as you jingle your keys in front of him enticingly.
- Chop him in the throat, take his gun and shove his ski mask down his throat.
If you answered “3” you are Sweet and Spicy Sriracha. Man, “Sriracha” is so hard to spell. If Chuck Norris took this test, he would be Sriracha. Who am I kidding? Chuck Norris doesn’t take tests. Tests take Chuck Norrises. I don’t know what that means.
Back to Sriracha. I have seen keen CFA employees reject requests for Sriracha. Not everyone can handle it. If you’ve asked for it and the employee has said, “I apologize, it’s currently unavailable, but it would be my pleasure to get you some Honey Roasted BBQ,” don’t be mad. They were just looking out for your safety.
If you answered “2” you are Zax Sauce. Zaxby’s is a fine establishment I enjoy often. Their chicken is good. Their fries are really good. Their Texas toast is yummy and Zax Sauce is quite delicious, however THEY CHARGE FOR EXTRA PACKS! Friends, life is too short to pay for sauce. (Unless that sauce is a big 8 oz tub of Chick Fil A Sauce.)
Look at these two real life scenarios.
(At Zaxby’s) Me: I’ll have the Wings and Things in wimpy or sissy sauce or whatever y’all call it to embarrass me.
Zach (I assume most of the guys who work there are named “Zach”): Yessir. It’s called, “You’re such a little punk” sauce now. That will be 9 dollars. Can I get you anything else?
Me: Oh, can I get an extra Zax sauce?
Zach: (Chambers a round in his shotgun) Sir, place your billfold on the counter, put your hands in the air, and step away…. That will now be….NINE DOLLARS AND TWENTY-FIVE CENTS!!
(At Chick Fil A) Me: Hey, can I get a 6 count chicken strips combo with an Arnold Palmer please?
Emily: Oh, hey Jon. Absolutely. Anything else?
Jon: Shoot I forgot, could I get 3 honey roasted BBQs, 2 Chick Fil A sauces. 1 Polynesian, and a Sriracha?
Emily: (Wait for it……..) My pleasure. Oh and I’ll see you at church Wednesday. (Emily is in my youth group. I have multiple students implanted at CFAs everywhere.)
No Emily. Really. It’s my pleasure.
Question #4. Are you currently breathing?
- Yes, and I like a little BBQ sauce
If you answered “3” stop reading and call 911.
If you answered “1” eat some Chick Fil A sauce. Dude, (I just took a bite of some) it’s rich, it’s sweet, and it’s tangy. It hits every taste bud. It turns your taste “buds” into your taste “besties!” It has the texture of happiness and the color of sunbeams. It’s unicorn bone marrow. It has the lingering flavor of Beethoven’s echoing piano after the last notes of Concerto #17. It’s the hug of your newborn daughter. If you could squeeze a really really good summer vacation, it’s the juice that would run out. I saw a documentary on Abraham Lincoln the other day and all I could think, while I wept, was, “He never got to enjoy the sweet taste of CFA sauce.” Let me stop before I aggrandize. It’s really good.
If you answered “B” you are Honey Roasted BBQ which is all that stuff I just said with a hint of BBQ sauce.
P.S. I love you, Dan Cathy.