Which Chick Fil A Sauce are you?

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There is no better way to waste 30 minutes that we could’ve used on something productive than taking goofy internet quizzes. I’ve learned I’m a Hufflepuff, who needs a cocker spaniel, who is a cross between Scary Spice and Baby Spice. (Yeah, I was kinda hoping that “Which Spice Girl Are You?” quiz I took would never come up in conversation.)

All that stuff is a waste of time. I wanted you to have a test with some true value. Thus, feast your eyes on “Which Chick Fil A sauce are you?”

Question #1. You see this

orange lemon fruit vitamins

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

What is your first thought?

  1. I’d love a glass of orange juice
  2. I bet that’s juicy.
  3. Wow! The outside of that looks so zesty!

If you answered “3”, you are “Zesty Buffalo Sauce.” This is the only CFA Sauce I don’t like. Other than being a good Scrabble option, “zesty” is just a terrible word. I don’t want my food described as “zesty.” Cheerleading competitions are zesty. Skinny jeans are zesty. No lie. When I Googled “zesty,” the sentence “Those skinny jeans are zesty,” popped up. Yikes. 

I don’t want to overstate this but if you catch yourself standing at a CFA counter ordering chicken minis and you look past the CFA sauce and ask for zesty Buffalo sauce, a trap door should open dropping you into magma to swallow you up like Gollum in Lord of the Rings with you holding a pack of that zesty mess like he held the ring, being slowly swallowed in excruciating death. Perhaps I overstated that. (Sorry, I should’ve warned you about spoilers if you haven’t seen Lord of the Rings. But seriously, why had you not already seen LotR?)

Question #2. You’re on the Price is Right. You win a trip to Hawaii. Drew Carey says “How do you feel about winning this incredible trip?” And he shoves the mic in your face. What do you reply?

  1. Oh Drew!! How exciting!!
  3. Drew, before I commit to this can I get a confirmation that there will be one of those pigs roasted with a pineapple in his mouth?

If you answered “3” you are Polynesian sauce. You like the sweeter things in life. You also like the greasier things in life. If you’ve never had Polynesian sauce it’s difficult to describe. Imagine a gummi bear came to life and was full size, but instead of him being a bear, he’s a delicious roasted gummi pig. Now imagine he cut himself shaving. His blood would be Polynesian sauce. I know that description should gross me out, but I am starving for it now. 

Question #3. You’re approached by a man in ski mask with a gun. He says “Give me your money.” Do you…

  1. Give him your billfold 
  2. Give him your billfold and mention your car is also full of gas as you jingle your keys in front of him enticingly. 
  3. Chop him in the throat, take his gun and shove his ski mask down his throat.

If you answered “3” you are Sweet and Spicy Sriracha. Man, “Sriracha” is so hard to spell. If Chuck Norris took this test, he would be Sriracha. Who am I kidding? Chuck Norris doesn’t take tests. Tests take Chuck Norrises. I don’t know what that means. 

Back to Sriracha. I have seen keen CFA employees reject requests for Sriracha. Not everyone can handle it. If you’ve asked for it and the employee has said, “I apologize, it’s currently unavailable, but it would be my pleasure to get you some Honey Roasted BBQ,” don’t be mad. They were just looking out for your safety.

If you answered “2” you are Zax Sauce. Zaxby’s is a fine establishment I enjoy often. Their chicken is good. Their fries are really good. Their Texas toast is yummy and Zax Sauce is quite delicious, however THEY CHARGE FOR EXTRA PACKS! Friends, life is too short to pay for sauce. (Unless that sauce is a big 8 oz tub of Chick Fil A Sauce.) 

Look at these two real life scenarios. 

(At Zaxby’s) Me: I’ll have the Wings and Things in wimpy or sissy sauce or whatever y’all call it to embarrass me. 

Zach (I assume most of the guys who work there are named “Zach”): Yessir. It’s called, “You’re such a little punk” sauce now. That will be 9 dollars. Can I get you anything else?

Me: Oh, can I get an extra Zax sauce?

Zach: (Chambers a round in his shotgun) Sir, place your billfold on the counter, put your hands in the air, and step away…. That will now be….NINE DOLLARS AND TWENTY-FIVE CENTS!!

(At Chick Fil A) Me: Hey, can I get a 6 count chicken strips combo with an Arnold Palmer please?

Emily: Oh, hey Jon. Absolutely. Anything else?

Jon: Shoot I forgot, could I get 3 honey roasted BBQs, 2 Chick Fil A sauces. 1 Polynesian, and a Sriracha? 

Emily: (Wait for it……..) My pleasure. Oh and I’ll see you at church Wednesday. (Emily is in my youth group. I have multiple students implanted at CFAs everywhere.)

No Emily. Really. It’s my pleasure.

Question #4. Are you currently breathing?

  1. Yes
  2. Yes, and I like a little BBQ sauce
  3. No

If you answered “3” stop reading and call 911.

If you answered “1” eat some Chick Fil A sauce. Dude, (I just took a bite of some) it’s rich, it’s sweet, and it’s tangy. It hits every taste bud. It turns your taste “buds” into your taste “besties!” It has the texture of happiness and the color of sunbeams. It’s unicorn bone marrow. It has the lingering flavor of Beethoven’s echoing piano after the last notes of Concerto #17. It’s the hug of your newborn daughter. If you could squeeze a really really good summer vacation, it’s the juice that would run out. I saw a documentary on Abraham Lincoln the other day and all I could think, while I wept, was, “He never got to enjoy the sweet taste of CFA sauce.” Let me stop before I aggrandize. It’s really good.

If you answered “B” you are Honey Roasted BBQ which is all that stuff I just said with a hint of BBQ sauce. 


P.S. I love you, Dan Cathy. 


My Body Has Become a Cacophony of Involuntary Noises

I’m 44 and 18/19’s. In other words my birthday is next week. I’m not saying you have to get me anything but I really am the easiest person in the world to shop for. Throw a Nerf Gun, iTunes card, something off the end of a gas station snack aisle (sunflower seeds, pork skins, jerky) at me and I’m pleased as a 4 year old girl at Build-a-Bear.

But with this progressing age I have noticed I have become a symphony of unwanted, unexpected bodily noises.

For example I pulled into a parking spot the other day and turned off the car and caught up on a couple of texts. As I typed, “hahaha! yes!!!” which is basically the only thing I ever text I heard something weird. Wait, you’re wondering why I only text “hahaha! yes!”? Here’s a few examples of what I’m replying to: From Donnie- “Hey, I know we just ate breakfast but are you up for lunch?” From Mom: “Oh Sweetie! I heard you ripped your pants out in the seat at WalMart in the candy aisle. So sorry! You ok?” From Carrie: “Want to walk when we get home tonight?” (my answer is sarcastic in this case.)

Anyway, I as I typed “hahah…” I suddenly found myself in a horror movie. Someone was hiding in my back seat breathing like a German Shepherd wearing a CPAP. I was terrified. Oddest of all as my breathing quickened so did his. Then it hit me. I’m the only idiot in this car. Apparently my nose has begun whistling like a storm on Mount Washington. I don’t want to say it’s bad but I got a letter addressed to my nasal septum the other day from “the City of Chicago” stating it was conceding its moniker of windiest place in America to “the new king.” How does anyone endure being around me? Truthfully, I need a break from me.

Unfortunately my breathing is not the worst part. My stomach is.

There are 80 witnesses to the story I am about to tell you. 80 young souls bore witness to one of the loudest abdominal noises human bowels have ever uttered. We were in chapel at Pleasant View Christian School. C-H-A-P-E-L! Worst of all, I was the one speaking.

I paused for a nanosecond and all of a sudden my stomach let out a growl that would’ve made Mufasa proud. It’s difficult to put into words but I’ll give it a shot. It was kind of like, “moooahooooobbbbahhhhAHHHHHOOOOOMMAA OOOoooo ahoo.” I mean, that’s not too bad the way you just read it but now read it again and hold each letter for 3 SECONDS! Yeah, that’s a little worse. And that’s the way it was. The sad part is, I wasn’t even horrified by it. Shoot, I wasn’t even phased by it. That’s how used to my internal synthesizer I am.

The girl sitting directly in front of me… horrified. Me… a little tickled honestly. I’m not lying about this. Ask one of the people there. My amused eyes locked with eyes the sweet girl with the horrified look on her face and I asked, “Did you hear that?” which is really the dumbest question ever. If you were in the continental United States, YOU heard it. You just probably thought it was a rogue fog horn. Keep in mind, this is during the chapel message. Like, Point #1 Trust God. Point #2 Do Right. Point #3 moooahooooobbbbahhhhAHHHHHOOOOOMMAA OOOoooo ahoo. And this sweet panic stricken girl timidly replied, “Yes, but I was trying to pretend that I didn’t.”

So, I’m already tickled and her terror mixed with shock and embarrassment for me that she managed to convey so succinctly was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard, which only exacerbates my stomach issues. Let’s just say there was movement in that chapel but it was not spiritual in nature.

There’s a lesson here (besides avoid me at all costs). Horrifyingly embarrassing things are going to happen to you. It’s coming: a trip in a perfectly flat parking lot, a burp from out of nowhere in front of a table full of clients, a whole head of cabbage stuck in your teeth during a date. Dude, smile it away. Don’t play it off like it didn’t happen. Don’t relive it 447 times. Giggle until it hurts and it will strangely become a fond memory. And if you’re really lucky you can totally horrify a sweet girl in the process.

Why Social Media Died: A Blog Post I Apparently Sent to Myself From the Year 2040

This is crazy. Apparently sometime in the future we figure out how to send mediocre blog posts back to the past! I know! It shocked me too. It just showed up in my cloud. You should totally check yours. It looks to be from around the year 2040. Good news: the fonts are still pretty much the same. Bad news: my writing doesn’t improve one little bit. (allegedly)

I know most of you were hoping never to be reminded of the social media era again, but I think it’s important for us to remember our past mistakes or else we are doomed to repeat them.

For those of you young and fortunate enough not to remember the “Enlightened Dark Age” as we know it today let me give you a little refresher. Not long after the advent of smart phones, the age of social media began. Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter (now known as Ursource) ruled the lives of the masses.

It seems ridiculous now but these sites were platforms where people could say things like, “I’m totes dreading the dentist tomorrow.” Then the next day they could post a picture of themselves with their mouths full of gauze. Please don’t ask me why we did it. The old days were weird. Remember this is before Dan Cathy and I became best friends and I automated Chick Fil A on that one day so it could open on Sundays after church. It was my pleasure. But yeah, we had it rough. They were indeed the bad ole days.

Here are 5 of the reasons it mercifully, finally, thankfully failed.

1. It was an absolutely false representation of our real selves.

I remember when and where I was when I realized social media was doomed. Back in 2018 we had a fast food place called Sonic. We drove cars back then and the unique thing about this restaurant was you could drive your car to small station and hit a button to order your food and have it brought to you by a carhop. They were known for their delicious ice. Yes. Back before we all had dihydrogen monoxide units strapped to our backs we had to drink liquids. We also ate frozen pellets of water for fun. And Sonic had the absolute best frozen pellets.

One hot June day in 2018 when I pulled in and ordered a diet cherry limeade (too much to explain) I saw a girl sitting at one of the tables taking a selfie. “Selfie” is slang for taking a picture of yourself. Selfies were a huge part of social media. This girl at the Sonic took a picture, looked at it with disgust, reposed and took another one. She did this 4 times! She looked so unhappy sitting there with her friend who was also on her phone, but in the selfie her smile beamed as she got the light just right for “exposure’s” sake.

It’s impossible not to compare this girl’s actions to Narcissus who appeared in Greek mythology. We get our idea of Narcism from him. He was so pretty, one day when he saw his reflection in a pool he was unable to leave the reflected image to continue life. Ultimately he died in that exact spot.

This 2018 Sonic version of Narcissus who couldn’t look away from her image was telling people “I’m having a blast here at the Sonic while you live your miserable thirsty life in shambles.” The crazy thing is we all bought it for 20 years! Social media survived this “emperor’s new clothes” lie for 20 years. I can’t explain it. I’m just so thankful some enlightened soul spoke up one day and said, “Hey, y’all know this chick we’re all jealous of is basically just eating a corn dog at the Sonic like the rest of us. Why are we wasting our time ‘liking’ it?”

2. We got tired of making photo ops instead of memories and cameras can’t do memories justice.

I do not have a picture of my wife when they opened the back doors of the church and I saw her standing there arm in arm with her dad, but it would not do that moment justice if I did. There was no videographer in the room when the nurse handed my daughter to me for the first time, but I promise if I had a video of that occasion I’d say, “They missed it. That’s not even close to what I felt that day.”

Sure we can see things in 5d QR Crystal Lens now, but even that is like looking through a filthy foggy window compared to the resolution of our minds. God blessed us with that. I’m so glad we realized it sooner than later. I’m just sorry we wasted two decades of memories.

3. Although we all enjoy the right to Freedom of the Press, not all of us should exercise that right.

How do I put this gently? Many of the people I knew in 2018 had ideas that were insane. I’m not talking about my close friends who read my blogs. Those guys… geniuses, but most of the other people who posted on social media were wackos. No, they had wacko ideas in a moment and they shared them.

Proverbs 17:28 is so right. “Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace; when he shuts his lips, he is considered perceptive (NKJV). Back in 2018 NO ONE shut his lips and we were all dumber for it.

4. FOML finally caught up with FOMO.

In 2004 Patrick J. McGinnis coined the term “FOMO.” Steady yourself. This isn’t going to make sense to you. FOMO is the fear of missing out. We were slaves to these platforms to the point of being unable to stand in line, ride in a car, or simply sit in a chair without looking at our device. Constant checking overtook us. “Finally awake. I better check Facebook.” “Break time. I better refresh my Instagram feed.” “Red light. Wonder what’s on Snap.” “I’m between contractions. Let me update Twitter.”

This is actually one of my posts from 2017. “Just got stung in the belly by a wasp. Not sure if it’s swollen or if I’ve put on a few lbs.” Someone neglected a sunset because he was afraid he’d miss out on that nugget of nonsense.

Fortunately at some point we replaced the “fear of missing out” with of the “fear of missing life.” We looked up from the recipe video our neighbor posted and took our neighbor a plate of cookies. We shut our laptops and topped our laps with the kids we had been yelling at for not holding the pose we needed to get for a post. We laid down our notebook and took note of the books including THE Book that had gathered dust.

We took back life.

5. We finally all blocked one another.

You know I’d love to be able to say we experienced this great renaissance of knowledge and that’s the sole reason social media collapsed, but truthfully we all finally got so sick of one another’s baloney we each ended up blocking everyone except 4 followers. And it turned out those 4 remaining “followers” were fake accounts we’d set up to like our posts.

Whoa! Look at the time.

There are a couple of other reasons social media ended but I have to get back to work. This country isn’t going to run its self. I probably wouldn’t have agreed to this 4th term if I’d known it would be this busy. Not to mention these people from Time apparently need a new picture every time you win “Person of the Year.” And I have a Kessel run today and only 8 parsecs to do it in.

If I can get this time bending copy machine to load the stupid paper and you’re reading this before 2021 when social media meets its demise, do yourself a favor, beat the crowd and start to ween yourself off of it today.

Thank you to my friends at Rambling Ever On for running this as an upcoming guest post as part of their “Friday Five.” Special thanks to REO staff members Phill Lytle for his general expertise and Ben Plunkett for his help on #5 as well as his general awesomeness.

A Mature Handling of My Book’s 1st Negative Review on Amazon

So how do we find this “J” character and who would like to help me ruin his life?! Wait, I said “mature” didn’t I?

Check this out.

IMG_0414What kind of a name is “J” anyway? Who are you, bro? In my imagination when I’m administering water torture to you, you are a guy. If you are a girl, it certainly awkwards up my open invitation to settle this thing in the octagon like warriors.

Friends, don’t get me wrong. I’m an adult. I’m aware not everyone out there loves me in spite of what my mom says. I even thought maybe somewhere someone might think my work was “meh.” I JUST NEVER THOUGHT ANYONE WOULD HAVE THE GUTS TO SAY IT ON AMAZON!!

Up until “J” I had 10 perfect reviews! Those 5 perfect stars were gleaming like the sun for almost a year.

Listen to what Audra said in a review. “Best Book Ever.” Do you know how many books are out there? Lots. She goes on to say, “This book is amazing. And funny, it’s entertaining to read even if you aren’t playing games!!!!!” 5 Exclamation marks don’t grow on trees, people. Sure Audra is on of my dearest friends but still…”best book ever.”

Let’s look at another. The first review I ever got says, “So funny and informative!” Wait, actually my sister wrote that one.

Ahh. Here we go. This one is not a blood kin. Daniel says, “Yes yes yes.” I like where this is headed. He continues, “Just another collection of youth games? Well yea, but it is totally worth it. So much Winnie on the inside.” Now that I read that, I have no idea what “Winnie” means. And the “…well, yea” part doesn’t exactly scream pulitzer either, but I’ll take it! It was 5 stars.

Come on “J” they’re stars. It’s not like you have to buy them. Just click the big one. Oh and another thing. You said, “some good advice, but kind of meh for content.” The joke is on you, buddy. I don’t really think the advice is all that great! And “most of the games are kind of odd and I felt like I could have found most of them online”?! Games that aren’t “kind of odd” are in a category. You can find them under Boring Games Everyone Hates. Also “J” yes, you can find them online, but what if you have no wi-fi, or your battery dies, or an electromagnetic pulse shuts down all the life giving flow of internet information everywhere. I just realized I really need some marketing geared to the prepper crowd.

I wonder if Harper Lee ever checked out the reviews of To Kill a Mockingbird. If you google “greatest book of all time” it’s the one that pops up. Just for fun  let’s see how many stars it has.720A14E1-E067-426B-A9DB-D85E3524FB31

UNBELIEVABLE!! That’s exactly the same rating I have. Amazon is saying my book is just as good as the “greatest book of all time.” I feel much better now, but remember something “J.” click here

Just kidding “J.” I love you, man. You’re one of the few verified purchasers!

My Shameless and Ongoing Quest to Eat Lunch at the Pioneer Woman’s House

I wrote this review last year after a trip to the Pioneer Woman’s Mercantile on the Merc’s Facebook page. The nice lady, Morgan, who manages her facebook page seemed to really like it. She said “Jon—this may be the greatest thing I’ve ever read. Your review of The Merc is honest, detailed, and of course positive (yay!). I emailed this to Ree. I want to make sure she and Ladd both read this.”

I may have read too much into that but I assumed it meant I was the godfather of their children. At the very least I thought there’d be a lunch on the ranch in it for me. Alas, a year has passed and I’m still hungry (although, full disclosure, I just polished off a biscuit, chicken, and 2 orders of eggs at Chick Fil A.) But you know what they say, “If you believe in yourself, and want something bad enough, it will happen.” However, “They” are idiots. I’ll never play goalie for the Preds, become a taster for Chick Fil A, or be a designer for Nerf and I have wanted that stuff like crazy!. 

But Ree, Pioneer Lady, Wife of Ladd, for all the dreamers out there, let’s make this happen. I’ll keep my elbows off the table. I’ll rustle cattle. Although I’ll have to do it on foot. I don’t think you have a horse up for that challenge.

Wow! Reading back over this I come across a little, no, a lot needy. Nevermind. I can’t show my face at your house now. Let’s compromise with an autograph. Can I have it in gravy on one of those fried pork chops please? 

Let’s get something straight. I’m a man’s man. I think I rank around number 7 on the list of all-time manliest men in the world. I’m right behind John Wayne and Chuck Norris and just in front of Clint Eastwood and Rocky. You’ve never heard of the top 4 men because they live alone on top of various mountains and refuse to bathe. It’s important for us to establish my masculinity for you to truly appreciate this trip. I took a little ribbing when I planned what has been lovingly called a “Ladycation.” It was a trip to a couple of destinations that are owned by women with shows on cable channels. But I love my wife so I figured just this one time, I could handle a trip whose destination wasn’t a knife store, beef jerky proprietor, or restaurant that gives you your meal for free if you finish the 14 pound steak they lay out for you.

Our second stop on the Petticoat Parkway was Ree Drummond’s Mercantile. We have been fans of the Pioneer Woman for years. She cooks delicious food that is fairly easy to recreate at home. It’s not fussy. It’s not diet. It doesn’t even consist of expensive ingredients. The beauty of her show is the little hints she gives you that make huge differences. Such as, “Get the skillet really hot before you throw in the two sticks of butter to cook your steak.” Those quotation marks don’t really mean she actually said that, but that woman ain’t afraid of a stick of butter. She has that unique ability to make you think you are her best friend, although her actual best friend is way cooler than you. (Her best friend is Hyacinth by the way. And now as I think about it, knowing that little tidbit probably doesn’t reinforce my manly factor.)


I had a feeling “the Merc” as she calls it, was going to be an estrogen filled tourist trap of Gilmore Girl proportions. The drive to Pawhuska from Tulsa where we were staying is awesome. It’s impossible not to feel like you’re an early settler who could be attacked by bandits at any moment as you make the drive through the rugged hills.…in a good way. We arrived at about 9 on a Tuesday and I was shocked to see that Ree and Ladd (her husband and probably my future best friend) had apparently purchased land all around the downtown area to offer FREE parking. Everyone knows the first rule of running a good tourist trap is to hit people with 8 bucks for parking. The beauty of charging huge parking costs is that no-one needs to know you own the parking lot. You can just pretend like someone else is gouging them. Not the Drummonds.

After 18 selfies of us in front of the cool corner sign on the Merc to make our friends ultra jealous, we made our way in this neat building. Granted I’m a sucker for old multistory downtown buildings, but this place is really, really cool. Inside there was tons of kitchen stuff, jewelry, and all the little accoutrements that you would expect at the Pioneer Woman’s place. And let me take this opportunity to apologize for correctly using the word “accoutrements.” One section had these shirts that Ree always wears. I saw those shirts and began to notice EVERY CUSTOMER IN THE STORE WAS WEARING THESE THINGS. The next thing I noticed was EVERY CUSTOMER IN THE STORE BESIDES ME WAS A 40 YEAR OLD WOMAN. That’s an exaggeration. Some of the women were older. But just as I began to feel a little awkward I found the man section. Ree had a case (I wish there were a better word) of Case knives. She also had these really cool leather cased journals that look like you would carry them in your saddle bag on the side of your horse named “Hammer.” She also had a really cool toy section.

But let’s get to the food.

They were serving breakfast in the dining part, but we wanted lunch so we walked upstairs to the bakery, and now that I type that, it sounds odd to say “We didn’t want to eat so we just got a Danish and waited for lunch.” Holy mackerel it was cool. I had the best Danish I’ve ever had. You can walk around to a window and watch about 4 people making the stuff in the back. Ree, I apologize for the nose mark I left on your glass, but that girl started rolling up those cinnamon rolls and I was in a trance. There are two crazy things in this area. One is they don’t sell you water. They just have beautiful jugs full of it with cups there for you to serve yourself. It’s full of this crushed ice they have which makes it almost frozen. And it’s FREE! It’s right beside this metallic looking plastic silverware they give you for your danish that is higher quality than the best stuff we have at my house! They also sell candy in the bakery. It looks like the counter where Laura Ingalls used to buy a peppermint stick for nickel. AND THE PRICES HAVEN’T CHANGED MUCH AT THE MERC! I bought this little awesome bag of watermelon Jelly Belly jellybeans and it cost 2 bucks. Seriously? That’s cheaper than I can get them in bulk. I could’ve brought them home and sold them and made money! We enjoyed our breakfast on the huge leather comfy couches that litter the room with their delightful smell and rugged feel.

Okay, skip this paragraph if you are not prepared to get nitty gritty with me. In a tourist trap the bathrooms are literally port-a-potties, with rolls of toilet paper the size of bus tires that, coincidentally have the softness and absorbance of bus tires as well. I entered the bathroom in the bakery and was greeted by the warmth and love of the most delicious candle that has ever been dipped. The bathroom stalls are private and spacious. Now to the grit, I don’t pay top dollar for everything but I refuse to skimp on two things: salsa and toilet paper (which may be related in some horrible way.) I often wonder if Donald Trump has access to better toilet paper than I. I considered running for president just to find out if there is something better out there. But I’m saying, I buy the good stuff! Listen to me as I tell you this: Ree Drummond buys MY paper for her customers! Ree, why? I’m not trying to be crass. I’m telling you this little detail is a snapshot of what is going on here. I think Ree is really wanting you to enjoy your time with her more than she wants your money. It’s incredibly refreshing. And honestly, I’m not even sure if I’m talking about Ree’s attitude or the toilet paper now. They’re interchangeable…in a good way.

We got in line at 10 for lunch. They start serving at 10:30. But can I tell you something crazy? Waiting in that line was probably our favorite thing! Janet Lightfoot is the line tender. She is awesome. She knows waaaaay too much about Pawhuska. And by “too much” I mean exactly enough. She was hoot. And then we got lunch. We started with nachos. It’s like this. Chips. Delicious chili. Chips. Delicious chili. Chips. Delicious chili. Delicious chili. All the cheese in Oklahoma. Chili. Good stuff. More good stuff. Sour cream. Crazy Good. Then we had the pork chops and chicken fried steak. I don’t have time to tell you how incredibly delicious this was. And it was cheaper than a restaurant half as good with half the portions.

So listen, if this trip cost me my man-card so be it. I got a manly journal book and gained the greatest 5 pounds of my life and most of all got a text from my wife yesterday saying I am the best husband ever. So keep polishing those man cards, dudes. I’m busy planning our next trip. Thanks Ree Drummond. By the way do those cool shirts you wear come in men’s?

Approximately 8 Reasons CPAP Machines are Barely Better Than Never Sleeping Again

Sure, being middle aged and out of shape has its advantages but there are some pretty lousy things about it too. For instance, going to bed one night with perfect vision and waking up the next morning needing bifocals kind of stinks. So does standing on your tippy toes to reach your favorite popcorn bowl and completely wrecking the arches on your feet so bad you have to crawl to the living room to watch your nightly 6 hours of Netflix.

Those things are pretty depressing, but none of them compares to having to use the CPAP machine. “CPAP” stands for “Craziest contraPtion Anyone ever Put on his head.”

If you’re unfamiliar with how a CPAP works let me explain it to you. You strap this Darth Vader style mask to you cranium with 17 wildly uncomfortable straps, taking great care to line the nosepiece up with your nostrils so the 9000 mile per hour wind can blow your lungs up to the size of three Good Year Blimps. Now, lay down. After 4 days without a wink of sleep based on the fact that air is now escaping out of every possible cranny in your body you will finally pass out at around 3 a.m. on day 5 from pure exhaustion. Sure, it’s not real sleep and you wake up more tired than when you went to bed, but the fact you survived the equivalent an internal F-5 tornado makes you feel more alive than ever.

Like I said, the mask basically sounds like Darth Vader. And I’m not talking about the “Empire Strikes Back Vader” in his prime. You sound like your wearing that mask Kylo Ren snatched off the funeral pyre with all the air holes all melted together and stopped up.5625baf8dd0895bd698b471b-750-307

The good news is lots of ladies love this look on a man. And by “lots of ladies” I mean Maranda Tate, also known as Talia al Ghul from Batman, who is the only person on earth who loves the hideous character known as Bane who wears a dreadfully large and obnoxious CPAP mask. This poor guy almost destroyed the world and killed Batman all because of his brave struggle with sleep apnea.8589130429320-bane-batman-mask-wallpaper-hd

Even if your wife were willing to give you a goodnight kiss it’s physically impossible because you’re wearing a Chrysler on your face. The good news is a kiss isn’t realistic anyway due to the fact she despises you and your CPAP base that sits on the nightstand which has two settings: ear piercing teapot or den of hissing cobras. It’s basically a white noise machine…if you’re a reptile who builds slide whistles for a living.

Traveling with a CPAP is exciting. Try going though airport security with black bag containing a dynamite shaped box with 19 miles of wires and tubing coming out of it from every angle. Unfailingly every trip ends with the guard saying “Sir, we are going to need you to put this on and plug it in to prove it’s an actual CPAP machine…that, and also we are trying to win America’s Funniest Home Videos and we’re pretty sure you’re going to lock that up for us when we get a vid of you in that ridiculous thing.”

One night I had a dream my wife was suffocating me with a pillow. I woke up just before death realizing the power was out and my CPAP had quit working. Another time I had the same dream but when I woke up I realized she actually was trying to smother me because the nose piece had slipped out of place and she was about to lose her mind. 12 similar cases of wives murdering CPAP husbands have gone to trial and each of them has been ruled justifiable homicide. One of the women got the congressional medal of honor for it, which I think kind of sent the wrong message.

Another time the hose got wrapped around my neck and the very thing giving me sweet life almost killed me. Which is basically the relationship I have with French Onion Dip.

I guess what I’m saying is the CPAP machine is a classic example of a give and take relationship. It gives you a little restless sleep with less snoring and it takes all your happiness away. I guess that’s a fair trade. As my dad always says, “Eat the plum and spit out the seed.” Actually I have no idea what that means but in his defense, Dad also has a CPAP and is tired most of the time too.

Let Your Kids FAIL

If we allowed our kids to fail in safe spaces, your flying car would be reading this to you right now while you cruised carefree around Jupiter. It pains me to think of where humankind might be if we allowed kids the opportunity to feel the sweet pain of coming up short.

If Thomas Edison had been born in 2007 instead of 1847 I’m so afraid on his 45th try at the incandescent bulb his mom would’ve said, “Tommy, you’re so smart. It’s my fault we can’t afford the platinum you need for that bulb. Not to mention the neighbor’s dog barks all night and you can’t be expected to concentrate with all that going on. Let’s just call it good, Sweetheart. You’re so smart. Let me snap a quick pic for Instagram. Go have a Go-Gurt.”

If I could communicate one thing with parents of young kids it would be this: Adolescence is designed to be a safe place to learn through successes, failures and everything in between.

This is what I’m talking about. I just sat down to lunch after leading 200 fourth graders in a time of games in a gym. Yes, I’m tired and I smell like a foot.

One of the games we played was “AHHHHHHHHHH.” I’m terrible at naming games. You play it by taking a deep breath at the baseline of a basketball court, then run as fast as you can while screaming. When you run out of breath and stop screaming, you stop running. Kids take turns trying to make it further than the last kid. If I didn’t already have a game called Zombie Apocalypse that would probably be a fitting name since it sounds like you are running for your life from a horde of undead.

The kid who started the game reminded me of the 4th grader I wanted to be when I was 11. He was obviously an athlete. He had a little swagger. I don’t think he would’ve been my friend when I was in the fourth grade. Don’t hold that against him though. I don’t like my Fourth Grade self much either. Anyway, I apparently explained the game poorly and the kid took off and only made it a few steps before he stopped screaming, and grabbed a quick breath. I said, “Whoa, you are back here. Come mark your spot.”

A nearby adult was visibly annoyed and said, “Hey, I don’t think he understood the rules. It’s not really fair for him be penalized for that, do you think?” And with that came the demise of the United States of America. We are terrified to let our kids fail, especially if something was not completely fair.

If you haven’t realized this already I hate that you have to hear it from me but, life is not remotely fair. My metabolism alone is proof of that. I can eat a 1/16 ounce jelly bean and gain 8 pounds somehow.

So God gave us adolescence so we could learn from safely failing. Sure, Yoda gets credit for saying “The greatest teacher, failure is.” But I like the way Solomon says it in Proverbs 24:16, “…the righteous falls seven times and rises again.” (ESV)

I’m the softy at my house. I try to bail my daughter out of difficult situations such as, “‘Hey Dad, we are out of little trash bags.” You will never hear, “Hey Mom, we are out of little trash bags,” because my daughter knows her mother will say, “Hey Sweetie, problem solve.” Tim Gunn gets credit for the phrase “Make it work” but I’m pretty sure he stole it from my wife. Any tenacity my daughter possesses is purely because her mom is strong and wise. Don’t get me wrong, she may line the trash can with one of my t-shirts, but it’s a safe failure.

So come on parents, don’t fear the fail. Let them work out small problems through failing. That tiny bitter taste of failing makes the sweet flavor of victory even sweeter. I really want one of those flying cars before I’m 80.

Extra Extra Extra Large

Breaking News: I just moved down a shirt size. But let’s keep it real. Before we bust out the party hats and put me in a commercial with Oprah, I am now in a 2XL. Yes, it’s better. No, it’s not time to celebrate.

Oh and also, this shirt fits pretty ok when I’m standing up, but after lunch when I got into my car I noticed each button was straining his guts out with gaping expanses of t-shirt showing between him and every one of his buddies. So I guess I should say I’m kind of wearing a 2XL. It’s not comfortable for me or the shirt. If one of the threads holding these buttons gives way I’m going to need a new windshield. Also belly is going to come spilling out of the ensuing hole like inmates breaking out of a manhole at Arkham Asylum.

“2XL” is a peculiar way to describe a size isn’t it? It’s actually kind of rude. I get calling something “small” and “medium,” but don’t you think it’s a little mean to say, “Oooh, you’re LARGE?” It’s an awful word. It’s like a tub of lard married a massive barge and had a kid. “LLLAARRGGEE.” No doubt some “Small” guy came up with this system.

Large is nothing though. I’m struggling to be “extra EXTRA large.” Clothing sizes are the only thing we describe like this. Nobody says, “Oh Mr. DaVinci. That Mona Lisa is extra EXTRA beautiful.” The whole world is extra extra extra concerned about offending people, but they have no problem whipping out the adverbs when it comes to how large I am.

Ladies sizes are a little better. Men’s sizes are the actual number of inches their belly is. Well…they are the actual waist size. Belly is a whole different zone. But did you know that a lady can be a size 0? This is a size. ZERO. I have no idea how that works. I visualize a lady going in store and asking the worker where the 0 section is and the worker then leads the lady to a completely empty shelf and says, “Isn’t this spring line absolutely adorbs!?”

This problem of hurtful size names is fixable. I have some ideas if you’re interested.

I think we can keep small and medium. Then let’s change “large” to “average when you were in the 9th grade.” Man, that was a good year for me. This is too wordy. Let me lay it out.

  • Infant
  • Eat a Biscuit for Goodness’ Sake
  • Small
  • Medium
  • Average 9th Grader (replacing large)
  • Solid (replacing extra large)
  • Super (replacing extra extra large) (“super size” is easy to remember because that’s the way we get our McDonald’s combos)
  • Comfy (replacing extra extra extra large) (I admit this title is selfish, since that’s already what I call 3X shirts.)

But seriously, to my “super” “comfy” friends, hang in there. I understand the struggle. I started writing this before Christmas. I have been getting up at 4:13 three times a week to work out. I never missed a workout until I fell in a terribly ugly snowboard incident last week. It was actually a sled I was using as a snowboard. But it was ugly. The dent I left in the snow looked like a jack-knifed tractor trailer incident on I-40.

But even though I had been working out all the way through the holidays I have moved back towards size comfy before I could finish this blog. It is a struggle. And it doesn’t help that 7/8 of the skinny people in the world give you advice. Some of you reading this were already getting your comments together, weren’t you? Please understand, skinny friends, I love your heart. I just hate your abs.

People make changes in their lives when they decide it is time. And then they struggle. I’m not just talking about our physical fitness here. The changes you need to make in your spiritual life are waiting too. Habits, addictions, and omissions in your Christian walk, all obey you. Make up your mind to do it and then, struggle. Sure some people can just put down that last can of beer, but most people struggle. Struggling is not losing.

So hang in there comfy friends. When you are ready I will be cheering you on with my chubby little hand waiting for you to fist bump it when you are ready to replace the #1 Chick Fil A combo+a side of nuggets and 2 CFA sauces and 4 Honey Roasted BBQ’s with a soul crushing salad. Oh man, how long til cheat day? STRUGGLE!!


What I Read in My Dad’s Private Prayer Journal That Changed Me

I was 15 in 1988, which was a really cool time to be 15. It’s the year Kirk Gibson, who had been injured in the NLCS, pinch-hit the walk-off home run in game one of the World Series and was barely able to make it around the bases with two injured legs. The NBA champs were the Lakers, who had a team full of guys who were so colorful they were known by one name like, Kareem, Magic, and Kurt. Well, maybe Kurt was better known for his wreck-specs but I loved him. Gritty, uncoordinated, not too good looking, and well versed at giving up the ball to the incredible athletes on his team, he reminded me of me.

That stuff was cool but the best thing about 1988 to me was a small console about the size of a shoebox. Nintendo was released about 3 years earlier, but it takes things a little while to make it south Arkansas.


This is a Wikipedia image. My Nintendo has scuffs from me frustratedly throwing the controller at it because it’s almost impossible to get past those hammer throwing turtles.

We had two TVs. One was in the living room. The other was in my mom and dad’s bedroom. Since I wanted to play RBI Baseball or Tecmo Bowl or Mario literally every waking moment, Dad hooked up our Nintendo to the TV in their bedroom. I’m typing this on an iPhone 6+. For reference’s sake, understand the TV screen I’m talking about was probably about the size of two of my phone’s placed side by side. This also probably explains why I’m staring at my iPhone 6+ through strong bifocals.

To be fair to me, I actually only played Nintendo about 14 hours per day. The other 6 waking hours were spent blowing in cartridges (ask your parents), holding the reset button for 5 seconds, and adjusting the cartridge with the delicacy of brain surgeon to get the Nintendo to work.

One day when I reached to plug in the gun for Duck Hunt, I noticed my name in a paragraph halfway down the yellow legal pad on my mom and dad’s dresser. Legal pads were everywhere in our house. Dad would scribble sermon ideas down at a moments notice so there was always a pad nearby. I never really paid much attention to what was written on them, but on this day the presence of my name caught my eye.

I looked to the top of the first paragraph and realized quickly this was a prayer that Dad had written out as part of his devotion time. The thought occurred to me that this might be private so I did the appropriate thing. I appropriately kicked the door closed so I wouldn’t get busted. I skipped over the boring parts about my mom and sister (Sorry La, this is before your time) and got down to the good stuff. The stuff about me. And what I read completely blew my mind.

I don’t remember the exact words but this is how it was written on my heart that day.

“Lord, be with Jon. I KNOW he is at the age where he is facing serious sexual temptation. Keep him pure and focused on living a life for you.”

WHAT?! Wait, Dad knows there is sexual temptation in the world? And not just in the world, IN ME!!

Dad and I had talked about the basics of these things a few years before this but his voice had been replaced by the voice of my guys on the bus headed to baseball games and the ever growing influence of TV and other dumb voices I was turning to.

As great as 1988 appeared to be, there was a war going on. And I’m not talking about the Cold War. Have you been a 15 year old boy lately? I remember some of what it was like. The basic thought process is girls girls girls fun girls girls girls fun girls girls girls. (I’ve wrestled with whether this next thought is a little too base to say out loud, but I think it’s important to give you a glimpse into the struggle.) I mean you go to class to learn, but at some point in the day, out of the blue a thought like this hits you. “Hold on. I think all the girls in here with clothes on are not wearing clothes under the clothes.” If you’re a guy, try to remember one thing you learned in the 8th grade. Isn’t that sad?

Being a young teen is a tough time. So tough, that if you are a guy trying to do right, it will almost feel like you’re losing your mind. I had no idea anybody had ever faced that kind of temptation. I felt bad just for being tempted by the stuff. What kind of low-life thinks something like that? Nobody understands that battle.

Then I saw my Dad’s prayer. And although he was just praying for my strength, to me he was saying, “Jon, you’re not a crazy, unsalvageable low-life. You are in a normal struggle that I understand.” It meant everything to me. It was new life to me. Even though I felt guilty for invading his privacy every time I read it, I went back and read it time after time until the notebook was moved.

I don’t know what to do with all this. What is my point? I think if Dad had come to me and said these words I’d probably have been too weirded out to take them in. I think the best takeaway from this is to pray for your kid in their current season. I think that in a cool twisty way Dad’s prayer was answered by me reading the prayer itself.

Or maybe the takeaway is to be sure to write “PRIVATE-DO NOT READ” as the heading of any document you want your kid to notice. We might as well cash in a little on depravity.

What Churches Who Think Like Chain Restaurants are Missing

Chain restaurants do not become chains by having bad food. Actually if you took the sign down off Olive Garden and hired a 67 year old Italian couple to welcome the guest as they came in, you’d probably say, “We have the most wonderful little family Italian place.”

The problem with chains is that if they don’t have a button on the cash register for it, they can’t make it.

I went to a fast food place that has branches all over the world. I asked them for some chili cheese fries. They said that they didn’t have chili cheese fries. I explained that I could see all three of these ingredients from where I was standing and with a long enough ladle I could make them myself. “I mean, we have chili, cheese, and fries but we don’t have a way to charge you for them,” the guy said.

My favorite ice cream place is locally owned. I love Golly G’s for many reasons. I believe I already mentioned the ice cream. Their cinnamon rolls the size of my head are pretty cool too. The people there are awesome. But the greatest thing about the people there is that they are allowed to use their brains to serve me.

They are more than willing to venture off the menu to make you something you like. They have this grape soda there. One day I asked them if I could have one of those soda’s mixed into a shake to make me a purple cow. Thomas said, “Hmm, sounds good. I’ve never tried it, but we’ll give it a shot.”

I have no doubt I could ask for a sugar cone filled with chocolate turned upside down with a scoop of ice cream spiked on top of it and in no time I’d be eating a “Snow-capped Lookout Mountain.” (I am really good at naming things.)

I’m pretty sure there is no Purple Cow button on the cash register. I’m positive there is no Snow-capped Lookout Mountain button. And yet they figured out a way to type in the concoction in the cash register. Sometimes when you make up a new item they might wildly undercharge you for it the first few times. Sometimes you may pay a little more for some of these creations. It can get a little messy. That’s what I love about it.

That’s the way I want my church to be. We live in a world of broken people. These broken folks visit our churches. When they do, it is tempting to say, “I wish we could help you, but we don’t have a button for y’all. Your past is just so yucky, or we’ve never dealt with a child with that need.”

To which these folks reply, “I’ve heard you say the gospel is the answer. I can see it right there. You have it. Just give it to me.” But because this ministry can be messy, we just kind of keep our distance until “the problem” goes away, literally.

Not a single person is expendable. Not one. Listen, I know that saying, “Just rub a little gospel on every difficult situation and you’ll be good” is an oversimplification. But I do know this, I want to do all I can to meet the deep needs of the people I come into contact with, even if it means getting a little messy in the process. We are far from perfect, but I’m so thankful I work for a church that allows that kind of ministry and especially for great folks who are willing to dig in and do the work.

Golly G’s is opening its second location soon. I can’t wait to go in and ask for a Purple Cow. Joey, if they tell me they don’t have a button for it I may go all “money changers in the temple” crazy in that place!

By the way, Courtney and Kamryn whipped me up a Snowcapped Lookout Mountain and it was incredible.