Breaking News: I just moved down a shirt size. But let’s keep it real. Before we bust out the party hats and put me in a commercial with Oprah, I am now in a 2XL. Yes, it’s better. No, it’s not time to celebrate.
Oh and also, this shirt fits pretty ok when I’m standing up, but after lunch when I got into my car I noticed each button was straining his guts out with gaping expanses of t-shirt showing between him and every one of his buddies. So I guess I should say I’m kind of wearing a 2XL. It’s not comfortable for me or the shirt. If one of the threads holding these buttons gives way I’m going to need a new windshield. Also belly is going to come spilling out of the ensuing hole like inmates breaking out of a manhole at Arkham Asylum.
“2XL” is a peculiar way to describe a size isn’t it? It’s actually kind of rude. I get calling something “small” and “medium,” but don’t you think it’s a little mean to say, “Oooh, you’re LARGE?” It’s an awful word. It’s like a tub of lard married a massive barge and had a kid. “LLLAARRGGEE.” No doubt some “Small” guy came up with this system.
Large is nothing though. I’m struggling to be “extra EXTRA large.” Clothing sizes are the only thing we describe like this. Nobody says, “Oh Mr. DaVinci. That Mona Lisa is extra EXTRA beautiful.” The whole world is extra extra extra concerned about offending people, but they have no problem whipping out the adverbs when it comes to how large I am.
Ladies sizes are a little better. Men’s sizes are the actual number of inches their belly is. Well…they are the actual waist size. Belly is a whole different zone. But did you know that a lady can be a size 0? This is a size. ZERO. I have no idea how that works. I visualize a lady going in store and asking the worker where the 0 section is and the worker then leads the lady to a completely empty shelf and says, “Isn’t this spring line absolutely adorbs!?”
This problem of hurtful size names is fixable. I have some ideas if you’re interested.
I think we can keep small and medium. Then let’s change “large” to “average when you were in the 9th grade.” Man, that was a good year for me. This is too wordy. Let me lay it out.
- Eat a Biscuit for Goodness’ Sake
- Average 9th Grader (replacing large)
- Solid (replacing extra large)
- Super (replacing extra extra large) (“super size” is easy to remember because that’s the way we get our McDonald’s combos)
- Comfy (replacing extra extra extra large) (I admit this title is selfish, since that’s already what I call 3X shirts.)
But seriously, to my “super” “comfy” friends, hang in there. I understand the struggle. I started writing this before Christmas. I have been getting up at 4:13 three times a week to work out. I never missed a workout until I fell in a terribly ugly snowboard incident last week. It was actually a sled I was using as a snowboard. But it was ugly. The dent I left in the snow looked like a jack-knifed tractor trailer incident on I-40.
But even though I had been working out all the way through the holidays I have moved back towards size comfy before I could finish this blog. It is a struggle. And it doesn’t help that 7/8 of the skinny people in the world give you advice. Some of you reading this were already getting your comments together, weren’t you? Please understand, skinny friends, I love your heart. I just hate your abs.
People make changes in their lives when they decide it is time. And then they struggle. I’m not just talking about our physical fitness here. The changes you need to make in your spiritual life are waiting too. Habits, addictions, and omissions in your Christian walk, all obey you. Make up your mind to do it and then, struggle. Sure some people can just put down that last can of beer, but most people struggle. Struggling is not losing.
So hang in there comfy friends. When you are ready I will be cheering you on with my chubby little hand waiting for you to fist bump it when you are ready to replace the #1 Chick Fil A combo+a side of nuggets and 2 CFA sauces and 4 Honey Roasted BBQ’s with a soul crushing salad. Oh man, how long til cheat day? STRUGGLE!!